A Time Traveling Guide to the Perplexed Fanatic

Note- This guide is only meant to be a guide for perplexed history fanatics, so if you were browsing through the "Guidebooks of Fanatics" section of your local Borders or Barnes and Noble, go away try reading the work of the sodding bastard whose work is all of the five books to my left. Because any man who happens to be more successful than me simply because he writes about the history of pornography has either permanently lost his sense of humor and deserves to to be guillotined, or has lost his sense of humor, spent several days looking for it desperately, and then remembered that he had to no sense of humor from the start. As for the gentleman picking one of my rivals books off the shelf, you can fuck off.

"A Time Traveling Guide to the Perplexed Fanatic: Written for Anyone Who Doesn't Read 'The Guidebook for Idiots'"

By a Perplexed Fanatic

Table of Contents
1. An introduction for anyone who reads These damn things, and they're always so bloody boring anyway. Not mine, though. My introduction will have you laughing so hard your stomach will tie itself into a slip knot.- page one
2. Chapter One: Where I admit that I am more cynical than sarcastic, that I have no sense of humor whatsoever, and that I can see so far into the future that I know at exactly what time your wife will trip over her too-long wedding dress.
3. Chapter Three: Whoops! Looks like the printer forgot how to count.
4. Chapter Four: Why it is necessary for BIMA 2008 writers to post if they don't wish for me to grab the eighteenth-century musket I keep in my closet and unleash holy heck.
5. Chapter Five: Where I gladly conclude this book and announce my retirement from the life of a writer, and I announce that I will begin a lifetime of work at the Hospital of Uninspired Writers, where I expect to meet Shakespeare, Dickenson, and Alcott very soon.